MIKA
“I’ve realised that growing up it was always about being Asian and having proximity to that and feeling the disadvantages of it, whereas now I can see the proximity I have to whiteness too.
I understand now that I have the privilege of both sides and there's things that I have to keep in mind within that as well.”
Saturday 18th September, 2021
Mika and I are having a little picnic at Mount Coot-Tha Brisbane Botanical Gardens, sitting by a lake having some coffee and eating blueberry banana cake from the farmer's market.
E: Mika, can you tell me a little bit about your cultural background?
M: I'm Filipino Australian. I was born and raised in Ipswich, but I've been in Brisbane the last 10 years. My mum's Filipino, but her parents are a mix of Filipino, Spanish and Chinese. Which I only found out this year (2021) and I was like, How did I not know about the Spanish and Chinese ancestry? (laughs)
Dad's Australian. I think his parents were born in Australia, but his mum is from a German background and dad is from a Scottish background.
E: How did your parents meet?
M: Really cute story actually, didn't work out for them because they separated (laughs) but it was at Expo 88 in South Bank and mum came to Queensland with her friends for it. Mum and her friends went into an elevator to go up to the pavilion, and dad was with his friends going down but mums friends noticed him checking her out before dad got off at his stop. Dad and his friends went back up to the pavilion where they bumped into mum and I think from there mum hung out with dad and they exchanged numbers. After mum went back to Sydney they would call and write to each other.
E: That sounds really cute, catching eyes in the elevator (laughs).
M: Running back to get her number and she's like, who's this Australian man with a really wide collar and a chain (laughs).
E: What was it like going to school in Ipswich?
M: It was fine mostly. Looking back at it, I see how my environment perpetuated my problems with self image. I guess back in the early 2000s, we weren't as progressive and nuanced with racism and how we accepted people from different backgrounds. So I just copped a lot of 'friendly' racial jokes constantly. I was never bullied in a traditional sense, I wasn't forced into lockers or anything really hard like that. It was just a lot of jokes, a lot of casual racism
E: Did you have a diverse friend group?
M: No. My friend group was very white, there was probably two other Asians in my cohort. We had a lot of Indigenous Australians and a lot of Samoans and Islander people there, which was really cool to be able to get to know those cultures on that kind of front. I feel like when I talk to a lot of people now, they're like, Oh, I've never been around First Nations people. High school was diverse compared to other schools which I’m so appreciative of, but I missed out on having Asian friends.
I had Mum's friend's kids and my family in Sydney that I could relate to, but back then all I wanted to do was assimilate with white culture even though I felt at home within my filipino culture. Whereas now if I see anyone that's Asian I'm like Yeah! Bestie! (laughs)
E: Yeah, that's a common thing. When you see each other, there's this mutual, deeper understanding. I don't know what it is but you're drawn to each other, instantly there's a connection.
M: It's probably partly because you're both in Australia and you look different to the majority. So you instantly have at least some experiences that are similar, and you can connect on that.
E: How would you describe your connection to your Filipino culture?
M: Growing up I saw my Filipino Sydney family more and was around mom and her friends all the time. Whereas now I don't have that as much, but I feel connected through the media I consume, filipino foods I still eat and finally experiencing the motherland in 2019. My appreciation for it is deeper.
E: What was that like?
M: It was for my Lola who passed away, so we all went to the Philippines and did a celebration and burial for her. It was really cool because I got to meet my ginormous family for the first time, my Mom's from a family of 12. Just seeing all of the family in Australia go to the Philippines at the same time and attach to all the family that's in the Philippines. There's this giant crew (laughs). It was really nice to finally meet everyone.
I was only there for a week so I didn't get to delve into the country of the Philippines. I just saw a lot of family, visited relatives houses and of course eating, eating, eating (laughs). Near the end of the trip we rented this big Airbnb, got drunk and had a boodle fight, which was a lot of fun. You get palm tree leaves and lay them out on the table, cook a bunch of food to put on top and everyone sits there and uses their hands to eat. My mum and her family are from Manila.
We mainly went to my Lola's house that one of mum's sisters lived in. The Airbnb was an hour's drive out of Manila, we were all in a hooded ute and there were 12 of us squished in the back for like an hour and it was really hot so everyone was just sweating on each other (laughs).
E: Did your mum teach you a lot about Filipino culture growing up?
M: I dont remember her actively teaching us about the Filipino culture, or teaching us the language aside from some words. From what I perceived she felt like she couldn't express that side of her in a way. She told me that someone once said, 'How are you going to be a good mother if you can't speak proper English?'. So I think her being in QLD and away from her family / culture made her feel like it was a negative thing to teach us that side of our culture.
In saying that we did get a lot of that culture and experience from going to her Filipino friends' houses or they would come over, as well as our Sydney family. One thing that I always wished was that we were bilingual.
E: So any features you thought were quite Asian, you didn't like?
M: I feel like growing up, it was always about being Asian. That was the significant thing that set me apart. I wanted to assimilate and not have the attention of being different. I did the nose peg thing to make my nose smaller even though it's not that big. I'd try to widen my eyes by constantly trying to keep them really open.
It's funny because even though I wanted to be more white and fit in, I was also really shy so I kind of liked the attention of being asked 'where you're from' or 'what’s your ethnicity.' It became part of my identity to have that attention. Even though I didn't like why I was different, having that extra attention of being asked 'where are you from?' made me feel like I was fitting in.
On one hand getting attention felt positive… though I didn’t have the thought back then that I was maybe being fetishised or anything like that and I assumed it was normal for older men to stare at young females and ask them questions... Then on the other hand, I've had partners where their friends would say, 'Oh, couldn't you get a real person or something like that?' It's so extreme on both ends and you're just constantly torn between, okay, is it a good thing? Is it a bad thing?
E: What would your partner at the time do when those things were said?
M: He was actually really good. He probably like told them f*ck off or something (laughs). He would always stand up for me, but still, to hear those things really sucks. Like what do you mean i'm not a normal person? It kind of made me feel like I could never fit in or I was a lesser person. I always felt there was a hierarchy of I'm down the bottom and all the white people at the top, and I could never get there.
E: Do you feel like your mom also had some struggles fitting in and assimilating?
M: Yeah, totally. She copped a bit from people about not being able to speak fluent English. I could see her dealing with racism from people not talking to her properly in English. It's like 'she can understand you.'.
Mum didn't really share a lot of her experiences with it. I don't know if it was like a way of protecting us or she just wasn't comfortable with talking about it. Nowadays I try to go out of my way to ask specific questions and when I do, she does share. But growing up, mom would never share anything about her childhood, she really kept that quiet.
E: Do you feel like now you're embracing more of your Filipino culture now?
M: Yeah, so much more now. Ever since 2019 I feel like I've just gone on this huge journey of consuming more Filipino news and shows, or going out of my way to learn more about it. Growing up I always tried to find my identity within the Western culture, but it was never there. Now looking at the other side and trying to find it within my mum's ethnicity or culture, I'm able to kind of fill that void and situate myself a lot more.
E: What was the catalyst?
M: I was already trying to figure out that journey and I just didn't know what path to take, but after going to Japan and the Philippines in 2019 and being surrounded by people, who I didn't look entirely like, but more so than in a western country. It opened my eyes up and felt really nice to feel like I visually fitted in more than where I grew up. That created a shift and I started to feel more positive about my mixed heritage and to learn more about it.
E: Does your mum cook a lot of Filipino food?
M: Yeah, I feel like I never really missed out on the Filipino food train, that was probably the one thing that was always there. Mom cooking Filipino dishes, us going to her friend's houses or parties and they'd all cook. It's such a strong Filipino trait (laughs).
E: What are some comfort foods or dishes that your mom would cook?
M: I love Sinigang. It's like a sour soup, pork dish, but you eat rice with it as well. Its basically just pork, tomato, onion, bok choy and then tamarind powder sauce but you can add whatever veggies. We’d always put more powder in to make it super sour. That was definitely a highlight.
E: What are some other typical Filipino dishes?
M: There's Dinuguan, which is very controversial because it's cooked in pig's blood. For me, it tasted really good (laughs). Then you've got Bagoong, which is shrimp paste but we’d add fish sauce and lemon to scoop it up and eat it with green mango. It's so good!
E: Do you have many Asian, or mixed Asian friends now?
E: Yeah, I actually live with two Asians now. Minori is Japanese, she was born in Japan and grew up in Cairns, and Luis is Indonesian who was born in Indonesia but grew up around the Gold Coast I think.
E: What's it like living in a house with these different Asian cultures?
M: I love it so much, it's so warming and you feel like you have people around that you immediately have a connection with. My Vietnamese friend Linh Chi just moved out (Luis replaced her) and we'd always cook dishes from our cultute for each other. And Minori and I actually had a 2 hour chat about culture the other night, so that was really cool as well. I just feel more at home when I'm around other mixed cultures (laughs).
E: Yes, because everyone needs community.
M: Oh, yeah. No matter where you're from, it's probably like the most important thing I think, having a community and having people that you can relate to. Otherwise, it's so lonely.
E: Within your Filipino culture, do you have strong family values or religious values?
M: Yeah, mum raised us to be religious but it never stuck (laughs). Filipinos and mums family have really strong values in Catholic religion. It's funny because whenever we went to Sydney, there were big celebrations of family being together, which was always nice and I’d feel like I was a part of a community. But my dad's side was completely different… it was really interesting to have both dynamics
E: Did you ever rebel?
M: Yeah (laughs), I was probably the most rebellious out of me and my 2 siblings. I had a really big emo stage in year 8 and 9 but I'd call myself 'scene' not emo, it was really funny. I think I was really angry at that point and was actually cruel to my mum. I probably rebelled because I felt restricted growing up… nothing was allowed. I had anger towards the way I looked and how I couldn’t do much about it, being raised by a single mum with a low wage, how we lived and what our family dynamic was like compared to some of my peers, and just everything.
The first time I was exposed to a 'normal' family was when I was with a partner in 2010. I'd go to his house and I'd be like, what is this… a mum and dad who show affection in front of everyone, communicate to each other and articulate well, the family sit down and have dinner every night… I was like, what is going on? I've only seen this in movies and didn't know it existed.
I was still fighting this anger towards how I was brought up and so forth until my early twenties. Now I really appreciate my mum and what she had to go through… not having her Filipino family around, separating from dad, raising 3 girls on a low income, navigating racism and not being able to speak fluent English. I know she did the best she could.
E: Is your mum more confident at speaking English now?
M: She's much better, but she still constantly stops as she can't think of the right word or way to phrase. There's nothing worse than when you feel a certain way, but you can't communicate it. I think I even struggled with that a lot over my twenties, particularly because I was extremely shy growing up and I just didn't really talk at all.
I'm still quite shy, but then I'm willing to put myself out there for certain things like performing. But it's a controlled environment, it's rehearsed when you’re performing. I just don't think I could do it otherwise.
E: What are some of the things that you embrace about your mixed Asian identity?
M: I think the ability to explore a culture that you didn't necessarily explore growing up. Like, now I have the ability to explore the Philippines and its culture as an adult, and I think that's really fun because it’s a part of me.
Over the last two years (especially where there's been a lot of movement within Black Lives Matter and diversity) I’ve realised that growing up it was always about being Asian and having proximity to that and feeling the disadvantages of it, whereas now I can see the proximity I have to whiteness too. I understand now that I have the privilege of both sides and there's things that I have to keep in mind within that as well. It's like, sure, I'm Asian, but I also have the privilege of having whiteness. The years 2020 and 2021 were really when I was able to delve deeper into these things, I think because it was exposed to us in such a large movement.
CULTURAL ARTEFACTS
Filipino Fan / Umbrella: These items are significant within the Filipino culture because it's so hot and humid. I actually shocked myself when I walked out of the Philippines airport as the air was so thick that I was worried I wouldn’t be able to breathe. I was eventually fine. The fan in particular holds a special place in my heart as the family all carried one during our trip and growing up mum would decorate with the woven fans. All the items would also be in my mum’s friends’ houses.
Lola’s (Grandma) Dress: Lola made this Filipiniana dress and it was passed down to mum. It was significant that I included it in the shoot as Lola is where all of the family who live in Australia come from and I wanted to pay homage to that.
Filipiniana Bolero: I got this bolero from mum which she would wear for special occasions. The shape of the sleeves has a strong identity in the Philippines and is known as ‘butterfly sleeves’.