“My mum survived the Vietnam War and came from poverty. She lost a lot of opportunities after that war and came to a country where English is a third language and people didn’t respect her.

Strangers on the street and service people didn’t respect her because they didn’t understand what she was saying.”

E: What do you feel have been some of your primary challenges growing up mixed Asian?

L: Whenever I think about my challenges, this part of me comes up recognising I was privileged as I’m white passing, I have light skin and have never been attacked for the colour of my skin. Another part of me acknowledges that it was really hard and there was this constant feeling of otherness. There were so many examples of this growing up in terms of socialising at school or boyfriends in high school.

E: Was your school culturally diverse?

L: It was quite a diverse school, but I think the classic white passing mixed-Asian technique to assimilate would be having only white friends. It wasn’t that I saw other Asian people as a threat, but I thought if I was around more Asian people then I'll be easily identified as Asian.

I sometimes wondered if I would have a different perspective earlier if my whole family was Asian and I think I missed out on huge parts of culture where you're surrounded by a big lively Asian family of aunties, uncles and you share food. There's a lot within that stereotypical dynamic that a lot of my Asian friends experienced growing up which I never had but wish that I did.

E: Did you feel at home when you would visit Asian friends' houses for family gatherings?

L: It definitely felt like something I'd missed out on or something I really wanted to experience. I always wonder how this would have impacted my sense of identity and connection to culture if I had more of that presence of a bigger Asian family. Even outside of my Asian friends, with my Greek or Lebanese friends who had big families, it was just the most exciting thing to see everyone so connected and proud of their identity. It was always something I was compelled and intrigued by.

E: Did you have many Asian friends when you were younger?

L: All through school I didn’t really have any Asian friends, it’s only been in my 20s that I've been drawn to people who I see myself in. I have so many Asian friends around me now that I'm able to connect with and have a deeper understanding. I have Asian friends that went to the same highschool, existing in the same cohort of people and having very similar experiences separate from each other.

E: Did you ever feel being Asian was something to be embarrassed about?

L: Definitely, with friends coming over to my house and there being little Shrines with all my ancestors (laughs), there’s incense burning and there's a fruit offering. Now as an adult I think that is the most beautiful thing. My mum would drag us out when it’s the lunar new year or the anniversary of my grandparents death and you would do a prayer. She’d guide us through it each time and in hindsight I'm so glad I was still able to be a part of that culture, even if I wasn’t fully accepting or grateful of it and how beautiful it is being exposed to those types of rituals.

Our house was like this dingy little house (laughs) so socio-economic things came into it too, you know being embarrassed that there's no aircon, a tiny TV,  there's not much to do. My dad tried to DIY everything himself so it meant that there were holes in the walls. The bathroom was just this open black mould bathroom that had not been tiled for 10 years and had some plastic over it (laughs).

Even just the comparisons that I would find myself making with other people and their relationship with their parents. My mum was quite a traditional Vietnamese mum who had very high expectations of me based on everything she'd sacrificed moving to Australia. She had ongoing mental health problems so it was a really strained relationship in the way that I was not particularly in a child role and was looking after her, translating things, helping her fill out forms and when we’d go out I’d do the talking. She was quite a verbally abusive person and very strict. I think not having a very warm and nurturing relationship with my mother was something I’d compare to people with white mums and associate that with race, which I know now is not necessarily always the case. 

E: How do you think these experiences growing up with your mum impacted you?

L: It was really difficult because both my parents had the traditional Asian parenting style which was quite authoritative. There were high expectations but low levels of warmth. I was provided for, I had a house to sleep in, I went to a really good school that I could walk to, there was always food, but it just meant that I internalized a lot of those messages and emotions. There wasn’t a safe base and I couldn't understand how to talk to anyone, or adults, and that I was really needing to have someone that I could trust and rely on to talk through things. Me and my brother tried to work it out ourselves. It’s probably why I was so awkward as a child, I didn't know how to talk to people (laughs). I have a really close relationship with my parents now, but that experience of having an Asian mum and those high standards meant that I had certain ideas of how my body should look, how much I should eat, what I should be like and what I should be doing. 

E: Is it common for Vietnamese parents to have this parenting style?

L: I think it is a common thing to be quite strict and have high expectations of your children. I’ve also heard from other Asian friends with migrant parents, there is this experience of being made aware of how much your parents had been through, all the opportunities they didn't receive and what they gave up so you could have those opportunities. There’s this pressure to be really grateful, honour that sacrifice and not let them down.

For my mum, so much of her challenges of assimilating here was that she was mistreated and didn't have much of a purpose in her job. It led her to have these strong racist beliefs around Australians and white people. At the same time she’d be mistreating me using that kind of terminology like ‘that’s such an Australian thing to do’ or ‘you're not my child you're just an Australian.’ It was this constant conflict of feeling really hurt and angry at my mum because it felt like I didn't have someone that I could trust. It was someone who was quite cruel to me and had really high expectations.

At the same time I understood that my mum survived the Vietnam War and came from poverty. She lost a lot of opportunities after that war and came to a country where English is a third language and people didn't respect her. Strangers on the street and service people didn't respect her because they didn't understand what she was saying. I can understand how exhausting that must have been for her, but I also felt really hurt that she took so much of it out on me.

E: It’s so interesting how our relationship with the parent who is Asian, can impact our own experiences of connection to our identity and culture. How do you feel the challenges you have gone through have shaped the person you are now? 

L: It’s definitely made me more resilient and given me that sense of unexplainable understanding for people who come from a mixed background and their experiences. I'm really grateful for having that compassion and understanding the experience of being othered, people’s hardships and how that can impact how they treat others.

There was a lot of resentment towards my mum all through my childhood and my teen years. I didn’t have a place to put those emotions so it took it out on myself, my body and had a lot of mental health issues growing up. Through that journey I found a language for how to identify how I was feeling and it’s really helped me feel a lot stronger in myself. I’m really proud of my identity and to have that connection to culture. 

It's impacted how I am in relationships and bringing people into my life that I feel very safe and comfortable with and knowing boundaries. There’s so much I'm really grateful for now and what I've learnt about myself.

E: I agree, it helps us to connect with each other by opening up and being vulnerable. It makes someone else not feel alone in their experience.

L: Exactly, even though there is a lot of pain that comes from having to go through those experiences, it seems like there's so much self-discovery and empowerment that comes through that. It feels so nice to be able to be in a place where you can reflect on that, connect with other people, but also normalise that it's not okay and it was also a form of oppression and self oppression that we’re doing. By having this discussion we can help to heal that little voice that might have been fueling that oppression.

E: What are some aspects of your culture that are most important to you?

L: I think definitely food (laughs), because it’s so delicious. It was a real way of being able to connect with my mum and for her to be able to show me love. She would make me my favourite Vietnamese dish..

E: Which is?

L: Ah they’re all so good, she's a really good cook. Because she’s Buddist she would make a lot of vegetarian food, so I haven’t eaten a lot of meat based Asian dishes. She would make this amazing vegetarian bánh xèo, which is a type of mung bean pancake. It’s really crispy and you put different types of bean sprouts and fried tofu inside. You have this delicious sweet soy sauce on top and use lettuce leaves to pick it up to eat… it’s so delicious.

I've had some others before but they’re not as good as my Mums, it takes me back to my childhood. So yeah, definitely food and wanting to learn some of those recipes from my mum, as they were recipes my grandmother showed her.

I also think of other traditional methods of artmaking or even symbols for Asia that I really love. I started growing lotus flowers because I wanted to learn how to grow an aquatic garden. I really love Lotuses but they are a lot of work and maintenance until you understand what they need, like most things in life. I have loved just learning about all these different processes that people have in Vietnam to grow them in pots. They have these isolated little ecosystems within these tiny pots that grow amazing flowers.

Also learning how to approach things in a really intentional and mindful way.

E: It seems like as we get older we want to connect more with our Asian identity, and food is the universal language to learn something new and connect to culture. Do you also feel like your mum practicing Buddhism has given you a different perspective?

L: Definitely, and valuing the ancient and human rituals that are repeated for generations for good reason. As a kid I didn't really understand what it meant. These intentional actions to take care of something and upholding a tradition that her mother did, her mother’s mother and her ancestors before. I think it’s such a beautiful way to connect to that sense of identity and culture. That’s something that I really value now as an adult.

E: It’s such a beautiful way of seeing the world. Within your identity now, what do you embrace about being mixed Asian?

L: When it comes to concepts of beauty, my sense of self and the things I value about myself, now it’s more about who I want to be rather than how I present myself. Now I really embrace everything about how my body presents, my hair colour, my eye colour and even the way my face looks. I know that this is something that identifies me as not being white. I don't look like I'm fully white and that was something I really hated about myself growing up. That’s one thing I really embrace now are all of these features that make me mixed or Asian. That ability to be the duality of both things, having this understanding and experiencing the best of both cultures.

I really love being connected to this beautiful culture that's so different to being Australian. Even though being Australian is great as well.

E: It’s so true you embrace both cultures at the same time and that’s something that should be celebrated. Just by being mixed makes us more open to different ways of life and perspectives. Growing up with your Vietnamese mum and Australian dad, having two different perspectives and cultures, that’s really beautiful and you’re the result of those two people.

L: Definitely and realising how special that is and who we are now.

CULTURAL ARTEFACTS
Lotus Flower: They’re such a classic symbol because they grow from mud and water, pretty much out of nothing, yet from these seeds grow some of the most beautiful and useful flowers. They have many practical uses, in cooking you can fry up the root, the leaves can be used in weaving, for medicinal purposes, and the smell of the flower is amazing. The rainbow lustreware vase reminds me of my Australian grandmother’s house.

Ao Dai: The pale blue Ao Dai belonged to my mother and was one of four costume changes at her wedding (diva moment). 

Khan Dong: A really thick headband Vietnamese women wear that looks like a little aura. I remember anything I'd see that was an Asian wedding or something, I'd immediately default it to being tacky. I see it now as aesthetically beautiful and a work of art. I really value the craftsmanship that goes into it and how it's a distinguished symbol of Vietnamese culture. My Mum has one from when I was little, so I wanted to wear that as a way of honoring that connection now.

Other: Clothing pieces made by my friends from Homejob; Emika Kazama and Wendy Ma. Their artisanal designs usually blend Asian and Western influences and I feel they really embody the story of this project. 

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